-Drugs, Guilt and Panic-

[stitchedskull]

I hate to be the one posting such terrible things.... but I suddenly was placed into a very hard spot. So my posts might become rather few and far between.... if any at all.

Yesterday started out as one of the best days ever. I got to go hang out with my best friend, and we just sort of did nothing at her house. Then we decided we wanted to go to the mall downtown. It was wonderful. We walked around the mall, then walked through downtown to Borders. I got a shirt and a book, got picked up and went to her house. We walked two miles to get dinner and walked back, had a smoke and did our homework. It was even looking like I could spend the night. We had a good physical fight and gave each other some gnarly bruises.

Then... her sister comes home. She was really fucked up... really badly fucked up. She couldn't talk and couldn't stand. We asked her if she was all right but she just locked herself in the bathroom. MY friend, who's mother is a fuckup herself, left to a bar with some random stoner, and left the three of us to watch her little sister. But my friend and I had a bad feelinga bout it, so we knocked ont eh door. No answer. We knocked again and she just kinda mumbled something. Eventually we told her no one was home and she opened the door. Her eyes were red adn swollen and her mouth was all filled with mucus. She couldn't stand on her own and could hardly talk. She said she was tripping really badly, but denied being on anything. At one point she asked us where the lid was. Then she went to bed. I went in and checked on her ten minuets later and she was sitting up rocking back and forth. My mom had come to pick me up so I got my things and left.

I had never seen anyone like that. I was worried, and felt really sick. So I told my mom. My mom knows they drink and smoke, it's no secret. So she was just worried about it. i called my friend nd asked what was up, but my friend knew I was with my mom. I got off the phone really quickly and when I got home I had an e-mail explaining how she felt. In a nut shell she said she wanted ot be my friend, but hated me and could never trust me again. I replied saying she should feel that way and told her how bad a fuck up her mom is, and that my mom doesn't care and wont tell anyone. She knows they do bad stuff, so what's so wrong about telling her I was worried about my friend ODing and dieing in the middle of the night? She replied back basicly saying that I had done this before (yeah, I had, but only at the point wehre they knew about it and I was worried they'd get hurt.) and I could get myself killed. I told her I didn't want the drama in my life anymore and told her goodbye basically.

If you can't tell I'm an emotional wreck. I nearly killed myself last night out of guilt and panic. Rather I went to bed before I could hurt myself. I don't know what to do. She had been my best friend for four years, and she was the only person who I could tell some things. I have very bad paranoia and have a difficult time talking to people about some things.

I gaurentee I will die before I hit 20, or go insane or both.

[Crow'sia]

That's quite alot to have on your shoulders. All I can tell you is that you shouldn't feel guilty. It's not your fault if your friends put themselves in that sort of position, and all you can really do is try to help them when you can and care about them (the way you do) and be there for them. If they push you away, or feel betrayed, at least you can live knowing that you did care, and that perhaps one day they'll see that. And because you care you needed to vent to your mother, if your friend can't understand that it's not your fault.
People mature with age, and what seems important now might seem trivial later. If she wants to be your friend still but says she can't trust you and hates you (why would she want to be your friend if she hates you?) then maybe she just needs to settle down and sort things out in her own head, realize that she's not being sensible. Maybe you'll be able to talk to her in real life and sort some things out.
Finally, life can only ever get better, because it's what we make it. Do you really want to die before you've even lived? What if death is a void, a big black hole, what if it is a place where you relive your most horrible experiences again and again? It could be anything, and I can tell you that kicking the bucket before you're at least 50 really isn't worth it. Focus on the positive whenever you can, take a day to cheer yourself up and do the kind of things that you enjoy.

I sound kind of preechy, but I'm opinionated that way. I hate to see people suck themselves into their own pits of darkness. Because it sucks, it's the worst kind of place we can be.

[stitchedskull]

thanks, it acctually really worked out quite well. She called me and told me she raelized she over reacted.


Corpse is back. XD *evil smirk*

[Crowy that lazy cow]

Fwoot! I'm really glad to hear that.